Couples Therapy
Does Your Intimate Relationship No Longer Feel Nourishing?
Are you feeling disconnected in your relationship?
Is a discrepancy in your sexual desires coming in between you and your partner(s)?
Do you find it difficult to become vulnerable and ask for what you need?
A lot of shoulds impact our intimate relationships—“I should want what my partner wants,” “I should feel satisfied with the sex we’re having,” or perhaps “I should feel safe and comfortable to ask for what I want out of my long-term relationship.” Balancing our authentic needs with our partner’s desires and expectations often puts pressure on us as individuals and the relationship as a whole, resulting in anger, resentment, and, in some cases, betrayal.
What Is Your Experience?
If you feel disconnected from your partner(s), you are probably engaged in a cycle of conflict that feels nearly impossible to escape. Instead of feeling fully heard by your partner, you may be keeping your true emotions tucked away inside out of a desire to keep the peace or avoid being told all the ways that you’re wrong. It may be difficult for you to experience emotional safety in the relationship, preventing you from verbalizing what you really want.
Without healthy communication or effective outlets for your desires and emotions, the likelihood of disconnection increases. Perhaps you’ve found yourself drinking more to numb the pain of unmet needs, or maybe you’re engaging in behaviors that your partner doesn’t approve of, like watching porn. Unable to open up to them about the kind of physical and emotional intimacy you want for your relationship, you’re likely feeling unseen and unfulfilled.
Couples therapy takes you out of the isolation, conflict, and a “should” mindset that is negatively impacting your relationships. By developing the clarity and courage to say what you really mean—and what you really need—in the unique space of counseling, you can co-create with your partner(s) relationships that feel both authentic and satisfying.
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Relational Disconnection May Breed Discrepancies In Sex And Intimacy
There are many reasons why couples hit relationship roadblocks, but a lot of these obstacles boil down to a discrepancy in what each individual wants out of the relationship. Oftentimes, this manifests as sexual discrepancy wherein one partner is dissatisfied with the amount of sex or kind of sex they are having, but there are many areas—including parenting, finances, and overall communication—where couples differ.
With sexual discrepancies, there are several factors impairing a couple’s ability to get on the same page in the bedroom. We come from a society that, despite its advancements, remains very tight-lipped about matters of sex. Cultural taboos have a way of making us feel ashamed about our desires, kinks, and skepticism of monogamy. And while our partner(s) may be open to experimentation at the beginning of the relationship, passion can dwindle as time goes on. This causes many individuals to turn to pornography as a means for fulfilling their sexual desires, but our society pathologizes that too, leading many people to be inaccurately labeled as porn addicts.
As an experienced couples therapist who works with clients from all walks of life, I am not interested in pathologizing your eroticism or desire. Rather, I am drawn to reduce shame so that you can create a more open, honest dialogue with yourself and your partner(s). Working together, we can transform the anger, frustration, and resentment you feel into affirming experiences that will allow you to be seen and heard.
At People Not Problems, Couples Are Encouraged To Co-Explore And Deepen Vulnerability In Therapy
The goal of couples therapy is to initiate more flexibility in the relationship so that you and your partner(s) can interact in a way that fosters understanding rather than disconnection. By learning to connect to your own authentic desires in the counseling space, you will build empathy and increase sensuality in a way that facilitates emotional, physical, and spiritual closeness.
I aim to take a culturally competent, sex-positive approach as a couples therapist. As such, counseling is available to any and all couples, including those who identify as straight, gay, lesbian, queer, or trans—as well as those seeking a kink- or poly-friendly therapist. To find out more about my approach in these areas, I invite you to visit my Polyamory Friendly Therapy page.
What To Expect
While the counseling process is customized to each couple, we will typically use sessions to co-explore issues of sex, desire, and intimacy. As each partner becomes more comfortable discussing their erotic curiosities and wonderings, you will likely become increasingly more vulnerable and honest about what they want to get out of the relationship.
We will also consider the areas of your relationship—and life in general—where things are going well or where you’d like to see things improve. I find that oftentimes when couples come to counseling to address specific issues, there are other areas of their lives outside of the relationship where these issues show up too. There will be an ongoing effort to maintain connection within the relationship, and you are likely to find that you and your partner(s) share more common ground than you may think.
The Modalities I Use
I am highly trained in Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT), which is considered the gold standard of couples counseling. Incorporating elements of Narrative Therapy, the Satir family therapy model, and other systemic approaches, my therapeutic style can help you better understand—and edit—the story of your relationship. However, I pride myself in being generally non-directive; instead of offering cookie-cutter solutions to couples in therapy, I strive to help you tap into your inner, familial, and cultural wisdom to facilitate lasting change.
As the name of my practice implies, I believe that people are more than just the problems that visit them. By co-exploring relational setbacks you’re experiencing with your partner, couples therapy can offer transformational insights that will not only improve the connection you share with one another—but also the connection you have to yourself.
Still Unsure If Couples Counseling Is Right For You?
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If the cost of counseling is preventing you from participating in couples therapy, I encourage you to think about our time together as an investment in your and your family’s future. The time you spend in therapy is finite, but the perspectives and insights you gain through therapy will last you long after our work together is complete. Our relationships are like trees: the more nourished and nurtured they are, the more they will continue to bear fruit.
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There are two steps to vulnerability: connecting with our own authentic thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and then sharing those across to a partner in a heartfelt, non-blaming way. The work we do together includes both steps and I prefer this to be done with a partner rather than individually.
I strive to pace conversations between partners in a way that is comfortable but also connecting, working towards congruence of honesty and authenticity that will likely bring you closer. Though it can feel paradoxical at times, having difficult, vulnerable, and heartfelt conversations builds a sense of loving trust that sustains relationships into the future.
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Absolutely. Connecting to and co-exploring your desires in a safer space, like therapy, will build your emotional connection, creating more vulnerability with your partner(s), which will, in turn, create a more soulful, sensual, and intimate connection with less fear.
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Gosh, I wish I did—and if I did, of course, I would share it with you on the first day of counseling. However, the shortcoming of most books and pop psychology is that they take a one-size-fits-all approach. Your humanity is unique, as is your partner and relationship—with unique strengths and challenges. I am confident that you will unlock the key to your relationship’s struggles by doing the deep work of tapping into your inner wisdom and making new discoveries about yourself and your partner(s).
As an experienced, culturally competent, sex-positive therapist, I use Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) alongside other effective approaches like Satir family therapy and Narrative therapy to help couples overcome challenges that visit them and deepen their emotional and physical intimacy in counseling. For more information about how I can help, contact me.